I’ve got a funny house-sitting story for you.
As most of you know, my entire life is a joke. Awkward, random, and embarrassing things are never not happening to me. I learned to accept this at a young age. 2nd grade to be exact. But I suppose that’s another story for another day.
A few years ago, I was house-sitting/dog-sitting for some church friends of mine for the first time and IT WAS HILARIOUS. I’ve been house-sitting/dog-sitting for several years now and that is still my favorite house-sitting experience TO THIS DAY.
One thing you may not know about me is that I love lights. 100% of my friends hate me in the mornings because the first thing I do is turn on the lights and gleefully yell, “WAKEY, WAKEY, EGGS AND BAKEY!!!!!!”
In which one of my friends would always respond, “I will punch you in the facey.”
I just like to see.
It’s my thing.
In fact, I very rarely wear sunglasses (we’re talking *MAYBE* 3 times in a year) because it makes everything too dark (don’t tell my eye doctor).
Anyway, I got there the first evening, sat my stuff down, and began the Standard Housesitting Procedure. This simply means I scope out the place to make sure everything is where it should be.
Oh, and that there aren’t any intruders already in the house.
They said I could sleep in any bedroom so I planned on testing out the mattresses as I checked the status of the house. Because they have four bedrooms, I imagined it’d be like filming a commercial for Mattress Firm — Goldilocks and the Four Mattresses.
I walked into the first bedroom and flipped the light switch on.
I tried again.
I took a few steps closer and saw there weren’t any lightbulbs in the fixtures.
At first, I didn’t think anything of it. I figured they must have gotten distracted while replacing the bulbs and just forgot. Nobody’s perfect.
But then I went in the next bedroom.
And the next.
And the next.
LITERALLY NONE OF THE BEDROOMS HAD LIGHT BULBS IN THEIR FIXTURES.
I could understand forgetting to replace a few bulbs. But 40? What in the actual heck? Are they vampires? Nocturnal? Allergic to the sun? Trying to see how many Methodists it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Am I being Punk’d? Where’s Ashton?
I texted them to see what the deal was and they immediately began laughing their heads off.
“Oh yeah…about that!”
Because there weren’t ANY lightbulbs in ANY of the bedrooms, I was obviously sleeping on the couch.
During the middle of that first night, I kept hearing this puffing sound.
“WELL THIS IS JUST GREAT. THE HOUSE IS ALSO HAUNTED AND I’M GOING TO DIE.”
I lay motionless on the couch and held my breath as I tried to figure out exactly where the sound was coming from. It was steady and happened repeatedly. Every few minutes. Never early, never late.
“At least it’s a punctual ghost, I guess.”
I looked down at the three Yorkies sleeping undisturbed on my body. They weren’t going to save me. They weigh lighter than air!
I lay there a few more minutes before finally gaining the courage to check things out. I just *knew* a Lifetime movie was about to unfold before my very eyes.
A House-Sitting Horror they’d call it.
I turned my phone’s flashlight on (because again…I was living in a cave) and made my way through that end of the house. The sound was too close for comfort.
I checked the game room, bathroom, extra bedroom, and kitchen but couldn’t find anything…so I shrugged my shoulders and accepted my fate.
As I made my way back towards the couch, SUDDENLY SOMETHING HITS ME IN THE FACE. “THIS IS IT! I’M DONE FOR! I’VE TAKEN MY LAST BREATH!”
My face was soaked. I was blinded! Only…it wasn’t flying Mexican food.
It was a Febreze Automatic Air Freshener.
The sound I’d been hearing wasn’t a ghost. It was just the spray automatically squirting into the midnight air…and I had just walked in its line of fire.
The good news? The house wasn’t haunted.
The bad news? This was only the beginning.
Evening came, and morning followed. The second day.
They said I could have some friends over so I did the second night. We went swimming and held a ping-pong tournament. The loser (JD) had to eat a Sour Punch Straw from between the toes of the winner (Yours Truly). Do we know how to party or WHAT?
Next, we girls decided to do crafts while the boys went swimming. We didn’t have enough hammers to make Nail String Art so we all headed out to the garage (because apparently this was a 6-person job).
We closed the door behind us so the dogs wouldn’t get out.
After rummaging for a few minutes, I heard someone yell, “GOT ‘EM!” so I reached for the door.
It was locked.
“THIS IS MY LUCK.”
Everyone took turns fiddling with it but had NO LUCK. I started breaking a sweat (but what else is new). After what seemed like AN ETERNITY, we realized the door knob was JAMMED and NOT LOCKED.
Thankfully, we were in a garage surrounded by tools. But, because the doorknob was jammed, we had to remove it entirely in order to get the door open. And when I say “entirely” I mean…not just the handles. THE ENTIRE KNOB. You could literally see through the hole. You could PASS FOOD through the hole.
Not to mention IT DIDN’T HAVE A LOCK.
THAT IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.
The guys decided it was “best” to leave the door knob off so we wouldn’t risk it jamming again…BUT THEY WEREN’T THE ONES HAVING TO SLEEP THERE AT NIGHT. It’s fine. I’m fine.
I was already being forced to literally walk by faith and not by sight throughout their house and in desperate need of an Emergency Eyewash Station to remove the chemicals from my eyeballs…and now I’d broken their doorknob…AND IT HAD ONLY BEEN TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!
“It can’t get worse than this, right?”
In just 5 days, I also managed to kill all their plants and turn their pool green.
Sooooo, yeah…if you need a house-sitter, I’m available! Call me!