I’m about to just lay it all on the table. This isn’t my typical blog post but it’s something I just need to talk about with you because I’m positive I am not alone in this! I hope and pray that it lands in the hands of the one person who needs it most. I’ve just been trying to figure out life. I don’t know anything about it.
Seriously, I know nothing.
I feel like the older I get, the less I know. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to have it all figured out. There will always be another goal I need to attain, another lesson to learn, another obstacle to overcome.
I don’t know what I’m doing and I’ve been wrestling with God trying to figure out my next move. Even though I have to-do lists and goals and know the direction I’m headed in, I still feel like I wake up every day needing a compass to try and maneuver my way along the journey. I wake up at 5:00am and immediately get to work.
It’s nonstop and yet, at the same time, I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. I feel like I’m just constantly coming up short. The work I put in is never enough.
I KNOW I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY. Maybe you’re right there with me. You have a habitual routine that you stick to every single day. Your alarm goes off bright and early, you shower, eat, get dressed, and immediately start your day. You head to work with purpose and aim to be intentional and things go well for the most part…but then you head home, shower, get in bed, and go to sleep…only to wake up and feel like you haven’t made any progress whatsoever.
“Am I getting through to these kids?”
“Is anyone benefitting from my blog posts?”
“Will this patient become a regular?”
“Does my consistency even matter?”
At Bible study the other night, our leader asked what we were most afraid of. I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. Do you know what my answer was?
“I fear my hard work will never pay off.”
Has this thought ever crossed your mind? It crosses mine often. I can’t act like it doesn’t. It’s honestly embarrassing for me to keep giving the same answer when people ask what I’m up to or how things are going. I’m not trying to throw a pity party. I just want you to know I can relate. I experience doubt and worry and discouragement and I look forward to the day when my response isn’t:
“It’s going…I’m just trying to figure out life! I work part-time at LongviewWOW and spend my free time working on getting my blogging and speaking going…working towards making a full-time living doing that but it doesn’t happen overnight!”
I know I shouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed for having goals and dreams and for chasing after them. Nor should I assume others expect me to figure out life overnight…because they don’t. I just tell myself they do which is silly of me. My emotions sometimes overpower my faith. Not always, but it definitely happens.
We figure out life through trial and error and working hard and showing up every day and never giving up…not because we hit a certain age. WHY DO I FORGET THIS?
I know I’m headed in the right direction but DANG IT, I so often feel like I’m just treading water. I’m so stinkin’ goal-oriented and stubborn and determined and it really gets the best of me at times.
Now, please don’t get me wrong. I know God has worked in my life and through my journey in remarkable ways. I’m beyond thankful for all He has done! I know without a doubt in my mind that I’ve come a long way in 2 years and I am proud of that. I’m proud of my journey and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
But MAN, can I catch a break just once in my life?
Do you ever feel like that? You work sun up to sun down but nothing ever changes? Hm…or does it? Perhaps, yes. But it’s not noticeable to the naked eye and that’s really hard for me at times.
Is that hard for you, too?
I’m like, “Okay, God! I know You’re working. I KNOW YOU ARE. And I have faith this will all work out (in Your perfect timing and in Your divinely organized way) but I can’t see a dang thing. I know I’m called to walk by faith and not by sight but I mean…I’ve been walking blindly for some time now and I could really use some reassurance. I’m not asking for a burning bush or to be swallowed up by a whale. I’m just asking for like…a small break…soon-ish?????”
And I honestly feel guilty for having these thoughts! I feel like I’m contradicting myself and maybe I am, I don’t know. My heart and mind aren’t always in sync, ya know? I know Truth and I believe God will provide…in the way He knows is best for me and my life.
I also know God is more concerned with shaping and molding us to become more like Christ than He is about us being comfortable. Now, in no way do I mean He takes pleasure in seeing us suffer. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I simply mean…
God wants us to be flexible and to continue standing firm in our faith even when times are hard and confusing as we figure out life.
As you know, my mission is to encourage others to have faith, live purposefully, and be a light in the darkness so that, together, we can make an eternal difference in this world for God’s kingdom.
I strive to do this through both speaking and blogging but lately I just feel bogged down. I’ve been asking God to show me what I need to do, but maybe I already know. Maybe I’m just being a big ol’ baby because as of right now, I am too concerned with your opinions.
There, I said it.
I want to and feel the need to slow down and only blog once a week so I have more time to focus on other aspects of this journey. I don’t want to disappoint you, though. The enemy keeps telling me, “You’re weak. If you start blogging weekly, you will have failed. Everybody is going to think you couldn’t handle the pressure.”
U G H.
Well, this blog post is me (finally) yelling, “GET BEHIND ME SATAN!!!!”
I’m learning I have to be okay with possibly disappointing you. I have to get over myself and my pride and be okay with the fact that I will never figure out life. I’ll never have it all together. I will always disappoint people and come up short…AND THAT’S A-OK.
Ultimately, it all boils down to this: It’s okay to adjust my to-do lists and rearrange my priorities. This doesn’t mean I’ve failed and it doesn’t mean I’m weak.
It doesn’t mean you’re weak either.
I’m going to start blogging weekly because I suppose treading water doesn’t mean we have to stop swimming altogether. It simply means we need a different approach, another style and stroke.
I’ll continue posting every Monday morning at 6:00am in hopes of providing the encouragement, inspiration, or motivation you need to start your week off right. My weekly email will continue going out on Thursdays at 10:00am. The content won’t change. I’ll still be sharing little bits and pieces of inspiration and encouragement and motivation in those emails. The only thing that will be different is that there won’t be a new blog post that Thursday morning!
If you feel like your hard work will never pay off, I’m right there with you. I’m not sure if that fear will ever go away…but I hope it doesn’t keep us from taking action. I hope life humbles us enough to adjust our attitude and help us be okay with reprioritizing.
I don’t even know if this blog post makes any sense. I’m sorry if it doesn’t, HAHAHAHA.
I just want you to know that the feeling of coming up short is mutual. If you feel like you’re treading water…me too. And if you’re worried about disappointing people, I GET YOU.
Let’s keep going, though.
If we need to reprioritize, then okay. Let’s do that.
If we need to bend a little so we don’t snap in half, then let’s do that, too. Let’s be flexible and continue trying to figure out life even though it’s a never-ending pursuit (LOL).
Making small changes doesn’t have to mean we’re weak.
Maybe it can just mean we’re aware of our situation and that alterations need to be made.
- Do you feel like quitting?
- Why It’s Important to Remember How Far You’ve Come
- How to Start Trusting God With Your Future
- What I’ve Learned About Vulnerability
- Refined by the Fire
- I Don’t Have It all Together (and Why You Don’t Have to Either!)
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