When God Doesn’t Make Things Better

I’m starting out this blog post with no idea how it will actually end or where it is God is taking me as I write. This is the first time I’m putting what’s been stirring in my heart lately in writing. It is my way of offering up to God what I hold in my hands, head, and heart and giving Him permission to take over. I continue to sit and ponder what God is doing in me.

I’ve been struggling and wrestling a lot lately…with my circumstances, my surroundings, and my hope for a “better” tomorrow. My “peace” has been disrupted. I haven’t known what to do with what I’ve been experiencing in my heart and mind. I wonder often if things will ever be different.

I keep leaning in and asking, or more so begging, God to help me navigate what I am experiencing. I’ve been asking Him to show me what it is He’s calling me to do or what He’s wanting to see differently in me. I know there is still work to do deep within my heart and I trust this is stirring in me for that very reason. There are parts of me that are still far from Him.

So, I pray, I ponder, and I wait.

I wonder why I can’t just get over this and why that effects me as much as it does. My voice shakes as I ask God, “Why won’t you make it better?”

Several nights ago, I was awake at 10:58pm. I should have been asleep for a good 3.5 hours at that point but my mind wouldn’t stop. My heart was hurting. My eyes were closed, but they still felt heavy. I decided to get up and read. Rather than waking Daniel up by turning on the light, I depended on the soft glow coming from the light above the kitchen sink to grab the book I wanted from the bookshelf, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands (this book had been on my mind a lot lately). I “accidentally” pulled out Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and something in me told me to hang on to it. I was successful on my second try and walked into the living room with the two books in tow (both of which I have already read).

I started Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands first and got about 12 pages in before putting it down. I decided to read Shattered Dreams instead. I think because I wanted to feel the comfort of Larry’s voice as I read. In hindsight, I realize it was because God is intentional and what I thought was an “accident” was more so God-ordained. He had something in there He wanted me to read.

After reading the author’s note, I started the introduction where I read this:

“At every moment, in every circumstance, God is doing us good. He never stops…God is not waiting to bless us after our troubles end. He is blessing us right now, in and through our troubles. At this exact moment, He is giving us what He thinks is good.”

My mind drifted to a sermon we listened to the other day where the preacher talked about how “Jesus is right here in the midst [and] He is saying, ‘Nothing can get to you what first hasn’t come through me.’”

I realized I had been looking at the situation(s) wrong. The heaviness on my heart seemed to shift as I found myself reminded of the fact that God loves me and He sees what I’m going through as a necessary part of my journey towards sanctification. I have been so focused on my circumstances that I have failed to acknowledge and appreciate what God might be wanting to do in my soul!

God is relentlessly pursuing my heart to awaken a deeper thirst in me for what only He can provide and He’s using my current circumstances to do so!

The truth is, my circumstances may never change or get better on this side of Heaven. I’ve been asking myself, “What does it look like to move forward from here knowing things may never get better? How can I embrace the story that’s already unfolded for what it is and move forward with trusted confidence that God cares about my greatest good…not what I think is my greatest good?”

Rather than dwelling on what God hasn’t done about my situation(s), I am actually starting to feel excitement for what He HAS done and IS doing in my heart to shape me into the likeness of Jesus. I can’t help but think these wounds and disappointments I carry with me have been poked and prodded at lately to point me back to His higher purpose.

Perhaps, I forgot.

I think I forget often.

Today, in this moment, I am grateful for this thorn in my side that God has used to remind me.

Larry writes, “God will never allow suffering to come into our lives that is not necessary to achieve His good purpose.”

Nothing else matters but knowing God deeper and being shaped into the likeness of Christ. God has ALLOWED these circumstances which means he has deemed them necessary. He is not at all surprised by what I am experiencing. It came through Him first and that feels comforting to me. I find comfort in knowing God was purposeful and intentional about choosing what He would allow into my life because He knew what would draw me closer to Him! He knew it would be for my GREATEST good!

What would it look like for me to welcome and embrace the fact that things most likely (and probably) won’t get better here on earth? What would it look like for me to continue stepping into moments with confidence knowing, at the end of the day, I am only responsible for myself and how I portray the love of Christ to others?

Our circumstances truly may not get better here on earth! Can we be okay with that? Can we trust that God is up to something much more important? Can we believe that the suffering God has yet to stop is being put to good use…put to kingdom use?

I really want to do life in a way that doesn’t allow what’s happening around me to disrupt the peace within me!